


Blue Pills and Forgetting

by CaptainPassion



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: AU, Brothers, F/M, Gen, Multi, tw abuse, tw alcohol, tw drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 10:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3443462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainPassion/pseuds/CaptainPassion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merle Dixons life was never on a smooth path. Then his mother told him she was pregnant and he had a shadow. </p><p>Or</p><p>A glimpse at Merle's life with Daryl with a sprinkle of Bethyl. (: </p><p>TW: abuse TW: alcohol TW: drug usage</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blue Pills and Forgetting

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So I had a need to see what Merle would think through out his life. 
> 
> I also wanted to put a spin on him as a person. Try it out. I put bethyl in here because that's my OTP so if you don't like bethyl- leave now!

He closed the plywood door as fast as he could and slammed his eyes shut as he placed all his weight against it. 

No.

There was no way. His mouth felt full of cotton and he did his best to swallow it back. If there was ever a time that Merle Dixon prayed it would be now. He prayed that maybe he had misheard. Prayed that maybe she was just a little too drunk to know what she was saying.

Prayed she was wrong.

Faith never got him far in life before and it wouldn't now. His mother was pregnant by his bastard of a father and all he could do was pray to whoever would listen because no one deserved Will Dixon as a father. Certainly not an innocent baby whose only fault in life was being conceived.

Merle ground his teeth together until they ached. And in that moment he swore that no matter what he did that baby growing inside his mamas tummy wouldn't end up like him.

XxXxXxXxXxX

The next 6 months of Merle's life was a fog of taking care of his mother and keeping her off the bottle all the while taking her share of beatings from Will. It was cracking leather against flesh and the smell of sickness in dirty hair. It was groaning and yelling and a pounding head.

And it hurt. It hurt like hell. It never went away and the sting of his back added to the ache in his brain made him want to crawl in a hole.

And then there came relief. Relief in the form of a pill pressed to his palm from a man at a bar as he dragged his fathers comatose body out into the muggy Georgia night. 

"Here kid," the blue pill light as a feather in his hand, "this will make you forget a while."

And he took it. And he forgot. And it didn't hurt anymore.

XxXxXxXxXx 

He was taking cigarettes from her purse when his mother started to howl. It was a sound he was used to but it made his hair stand on end all the same. 

Merle stuffed the confiscated goods in his pockets and walked silently as he could towards the sound of her straining voice. He peaked his head around the bathroom door figuring he would see Will looming above her but instead he found his mother lying in the tub cradling her swollen belly.

Her hair stuck to her face and her nightgown he'd given her the Mother's Day he'd gotten his first job was saturated, clinging to her as much as her hands clung to the ledge of the tub. "Baby? Baby come here," she cooed as best she could, "Hold mamas hand."

And he did. 

Merle took her cold, clammy hand and held on and she whimpered- the same as she'd done for him after his fathers anger had been spent on him so many nights before.

He stayed with his mama for a long time, the sun had set and risen again and she stayed in the tub- the luke warm water she had surrounding her had turned icy some time ago.

And before he knew it, there he was. He was red and wrinkly and wailing. He was surely the ugliest something Merle had ever laid eyes on.

But he'd never loved something more.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

He peels the bottle from his mothers grasp; vice-like even while unconscious. He brings the bottle to his lips and grimaces as it burns down his throat. 

But it made his head hurt less and the blood run thinner and it helped him forget.

Until his baby brother started to cry again. The scars along Merle's back started to burn like an omen. And omen that would come true, yet again, if he didn't quiet the little thing up. He looked down at his mother and didn't hide the disgust on his face.

She looked almost angelic when she was like this- she had sandy blonde hair and long eyelashes but he knew as soon as he grabbed her shoulder and shook her awake the bags under her eyes would tell him the truth and the gauntness of her cheeks would remind him she wasn't the same woman who'd raised him. 

He studied her for another long second then shook her awake as best he could, "Baby brother needs somethin'."

"Mm." She let her eyelids flutter open for only a moment then snapped them back shut and rolled over. He watched as she blindly reached for the bottle that he'd taken from her.

He shook his head and left the room, liquor in hand. He heard the baby's crying get even louder and he walked the room where they both slept. It wasn't any bigger than a mudroom- half of it taken up by his rollaway cot from some hotel and a quarter was taken up of a 17 year old playpen from when Merle was a baby.

He walked closer to the death trap that housed his baby brother and picked him up. He was three months old now and he was too thin, colicky, and loud. But he still loved him all the same.

"Shh, shh now baby brother," Merle said as he lifted the bundle against his chest, "You and me? We gotta stick together. But we also gotta work together."

His brother seemed to want to listen, his cries softening, "And Imma protect you. No ones gonna hurt you, not with me 'round." 

The baby looked up at him, blue steel weighing on him with so much trust. "You hungry?"

He walked to the kitchen with the bundle in his arms, holding his breath as they passed Will, passed out in a recliner afraid that if they even breathed wrong his father would find his favorite belt or light a cigarette only to stub out on his arm.

He knew that breast milk was best for the baby and then formula. He also knew that cows milk wasn't good for him but that's all he had. He pulled it from the fridge anyways and filled his bottle with a 1/3 water and the rest milk. Then popped it in the infants mouth.

Merle walked them back to their room and sat down on his cot and watched his brother drink. No one called him by any specific name. Just baby.

It wasn't good enough.

Merle scanned the baby's face and let his mind wander to all the names he'd known: idiot, jackass, pussy, good-for-nothing, waste of space. 

Taking a finger, Merle traced to outline of the infants face and pressed his lips in a hard line. He wanted him to grow up to be strong. To be able to leave. To find happiness that didn't stem from a glass bottle or a little blue pill.

Merle leaned back, his head thudding against the trailer wall and closed his eyes. Jason? No... Michael? No. David? Those were all too plain. Then he felt himself smile. 

Daryl. 

"Daryl," he let the word rolled off his tongue, tasting the name. Merle nodded once down at the baby in his arms, deciding, "Daryl. You're gonna be Daryl Dixon."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"MERLE DIXON."

The sound of his name entering his dreams uninvited made him groan. He was being pulled to consciousness and the only thing he wanted to do was go back to sleep.

"Merle!"

He squeezed his eyes shut then rubbed a large hand over his face, trying not to move any more than that. His back stung something awful and when he shifted the newly applied gashes rubbed and tugged. He pushed his face in the pillow and swallowed.

"Please, Merle!"

"What, Darylina?" He mumbled against his pillow. His five year old brother stood on the side of his bed in nothing but his underwear and bed ridden hair. 

"The bus," he said, "I missed the bus and I can't wake up mama."

Merle shrugged then instantly regretted the action, "Lucky you. No school today."

He knew that's not what Daryl wanted to hear. His baby brother loved to learn. Always had. He loved learning to walk and talk and when Merle could, he signed him up for pre school. The kid didn't deserve to be in the house longer than he had to.

There was no reply from the kid. Merle turned his head to look at him again and saw the little one rummaging through a box in the corner of the room and pulled out a small torn up children's book. The kid was too small and gangly, his blonde hair was too long and too greasy and Merle was pretty sure he could count the boys ribs one by one. It made his stomach hurt. He loved the kid.

Daryl frowned down and the book then began walking over to the bed and climbed on. He opened to the first page and began quietly reading- as best he could- to himself.

Merle closed his eyes again, the feeling of guilt and pity washed over him. He should get up to get him to school but he didn't. 

So much for doing right by him, his mind said.

"Hey, baby brother. Grab me that bottle of pills in my jeans."

Daryl looked at him and sat the book down then did what he was told. Merle smiled toothily at him and popped a blue pill. It would make him stop hurting. It would make him forget.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

"Oh fuck off." He said, venom splicing his words.

"Excuse me?" Will Dixon's face was pinched up tight and red, "Who the hell do you think you're talking to, you little bastard?"

"No one worth my fucking time," he said back bending over to pick up another dirty shirt and shoved it into his bag. He felt a hard boot against his backside and then he was falling. Crashing head first into the metal bed frame. He knew there was a gash there. He didn't need to feel it.

"I have let you live in the god damned house for twenty-two fucking years. You think I wanted you? Huh? I knew right when that bitch told me 'bout you I was good as finished."

Merle pushed the shirt in his hand against his forehead and laughed bitterly, "Not like you was going far anyways _DAD_."

Will lifted a hand and rained down on him for that one. When he was finished Merle was lying on his side in the middle of his bedroom floor. He knew Daryl was hiding in the closet. He knew he'd seen everything.

"C'mon out." He said weakly.

The six year old hobbled out, tears tracking down his face as he came and sat down by his older brother. 

"I gotta go, Daryl." 

Daryl's blue, red rimmed eyes widened to the size of saucers as he shook his head, "You can't."

"Gotta. You gotta be a'right, you hear me?" Merle felt a lump forming in his throat and did his best to swallow it down, "You gotta stay here and take care of mama, okay? You can do that baby brother."

Daryl small hand raised to his brother bicep. He didn't flinch because he knew if there was one person Merle could count on, it was the kid in front of him. 

"Don't go."

It was a plea. A plea of many things. He would miss him, he knew. But he couldn't stay here. Not anymore.

Merle smiled as best he could, "I ain't goin' far. I'll be 'round. Sides, I am gonna be making us good money. I'll be able to buy you stuff."

Daryl's small mouth formed a line, too wise for his age. He knew better by now but he nodded anyways. Merle sat up and groaned as his body protested. His ribs ached and his back burned.

Merle finished packing his stuff then looked at the other bag on his bed. It was full of things he had hoped no one would sell to his little brother, but hoped someones little brother would buy. He grabbed it quickly and turned to Daryl, "I'll come back for ya."

The fear and sadness in his younger brothers eyes were not lost on him as he pulled the door open, "Lock this, like I showed ya, okay?" 

He didn't wait for a response as he walked out of his bedroom and into the living room where Will Dixon waited. He threw his bags on the porch and turned to his father, "If I come back and that boy has even a hair missing on his head, I swear to god I will kill you."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Pussy. Alcohol. Pills. Cigarettes. Dope. Cash. Syringe. Pussy. Alcohol. Cigarette. Weed. Cash.

That was the cycle of his life these days. Merle Dixon had been back and forth to his childhood squaller as much as he could for Daryl, but it wasn't often.

Because when he was gone and he had his pills there was nothing to hurt over and nothing to forget. He liked it that way. Maybe he was being ignorant for just ignoring the truth. But...

Ignorance was bliss.

Daryl was thirteen now and that meant Merle was thirty. He was playing like a child, all the same. And that's when he goofed up. That's when things went pear shaped.

He got too cocky and took too many pills and he was feeling like a super hero. But he wasn't, and the law made damned sure he knew that.

The first time Merle Dixon was in jail he knew he'd be back. It felt like home.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Mamas dead."

Merle clutched the phone hard in his hand but trained his face to stay impassive. His little brother sat on the other side of the glass, dirty and bruised up. He wanted to straggle someone.

"What happened?"

Daryl shrugged, "Finally burned down that house with the booze and cigarettes."

He didn't need the full story. He had seen it too many times before. He nodded and took in a deep breath, "Where you staying?"

"Made a camp 'bout a mile away." 

His brother was seventeen now and smart as a whip. Not that he knew that. Merle was proud of his baby brother. He went to high school, didn't graduate, but he went. He knew Daryl has been working at his buddies garage. He could track and hunt and sustain himself. He knew he didn't touch the pills or the bottle. He was so damn proud.

"S'Good, Darylina." He looked him over and shook his head, "Shoulda been him."

Daryl nodded and shifted uncomfortably. His too-broad shoulders hardly fitting in the booth. Merle ran his hand through his short hair, "We'll celebrate her life when I get outta here. Fifteen days."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

And celebrate they did. Hookers and alcohol and weed and pills. At least for Merle. He watched as his brother nursed a few beers.

He pushed a shot in his little brothers hand and slapped his shoulder telling him not to be a pussy. 

He watched as Daryl took the shot. And felt a hollowing in his stomach. His brother would do anything he wanted him to do. He didn't know how that made him feel, so instead of figurinh it out he took another pill. Just in case it hurt. In case he wanted to forget.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"I love you, Daryl." Merle tried to say it with as much earnest as he could muster. He felt the back of his eyes burn and then blinked it away. 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX 

"I'm so sorry, baby brother." Merle felt his heart fall to his feet at the sight of his brother back. The map of their fathers anger outlined down his spine just like his own.

Daryl turned around quickly and tossed a shirt over his head, tops of his ears turning bright red.

"I didn't know," Merle tried to explain, "I didn't..."

But they both knew that was a lie.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

 

"Welcome home, Dixon."

Merle sneered at the man, "Fuck you, Walsh."

Instead of getting in more trouble the man just laughed because he knew he had the upper hand. Merle wanted another pill. He wanted to stop the hurting in his wrists and he wanted to just forget.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Merle wasn't as good at tracking as Daryl was but he could still try. It wasn't a big enough town for Daryl to hide in that Merle Dixon couldn't find him.

When he caught wind that Daryl was probably at the diner on 7th Street he headed there as fast as he could.

He wanted to celebrate getting out and the only person he could rely on was his baby brother. He walked in to the busy diner and scanned the room but stopped as soon as he saw him.

His baby brother was smiling up at a pretty blonde in scrubs and she was smiling back. She was young, thin, and glowing. It made Merle frown.

What was she getting at.

Merle almost walked over and sat down at the booth but stopped when he brothers fingers interlaced between the young blondes and stood up, giving her a swift kiss. Merle darted to the side of the room and watched as the two of them left, hand in hand out of the diner like it was the most normal thing in the world 

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Her name is Beth."

Merle scoffed and took another swig of his whiskey. Beth. Fucking ray of sunshine, Beth. 

She worked in the nursing home that housed his father, who was dying of liver disease. Merle hoped it was painful.

Apparently they'd met one day when Daryl went to visit, because his baby brother with the heart of fucking gold would go visit the monster.

She was in the room charming the pants right off of old Will Dixon, quite literally. Apparently his pants were wet and Little ray of sunshine Beth Greene was the only one who could change him without a fight.

Merle knew that whatever this Beth had over his baby brother was something pretty powerful because instead of doing what he wanted- party and drink and buy a chain of hookers, he just shook his head and hugged his brother and told him, "I gotta get home. She's waitin'."

As Daryl left the flea bag motel Merle took another pill because his heart started to hurt and maybe his brother would forget.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Merle sat across from the ray of sunshine in the middle of the diner and tried his best not to squirm.

She was beautiful and warm and he could tell just by looking at her she was soft and good.

"Daryl said you liked peach pie," She pulled out a small plate, covered in tin foil and smiled at him as she pushed it towards him, "I made some. Hope you like it."

Merle took the plate and nodded, "Well, sunshine he knows me pretty well."

She smiled even bigger at him and placed her forearms on the table and leaned towards him, "He missed you."

Merle glanced up from the pie and saw the genuineness in her eyes. He sniffed and wrinkled his nose trying to pass off as indifference, "Always does. His life damn-near revolves 'round me."

"All the more reason for us to be friends." She said happily.

"Don't wanna be friends with me, girlie. I ain't exactly an asset."

She shrugged, "Guess we will see about that." 

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Merle, grab the mustard."

Merle sighed heavily, though just an act, and walked into the small bright room that was Daryl and Beth's kitchen. His baby brother had a house and a ray of fucking sunshine all his own. It was all good. His baby brother was living the way it's supposed to be.

And it made Merle ache. Not in a bad way, but ache all the same. So before he took the mustard outside to the waiting barbecue guests he took another pill.

He didn't want to forget, not really, but his body wanted it all the same. 

Merle swallowed the pill and took a beer from the fridge then plastered a smile on his face. And handed sunshine the mustard like she'd asked. 

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

He took another pill and swallowed it down with booze. His body ached more and more every day. 

He forgot what from.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Daryl had a ring on his finger and a proud smile on his face when he brought out the bundle of joy.

The baby was red and wrinkly just like Daryl was when he was born but it wasn't wailing. Merle smiled up and his brother and ran a finger down the little ones cheek, "Whats the name?"

"Jaxon Shawn Merle Dixon." Daryl said softly.

Merle felt like a bomb had exploded in his chest and it burned so sweet. He swallowed wrapped and arm around his baby brother neck, "You did good, brother. But, why would you curse a baby like that?" 

Daryl smiled and him and looked down at the baby then back at Merle, "We gotta stick together right?"

Merle loved his brother so much it hurt. He wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell him how fucking proud he was of him and his life and bringing around that fucking Ray of sunshine. How proud he was of him for passing his fears and marrying her and bringing a baby into this world.

But. Instead he just nodded and said, "That's right, Darylina."

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

He took another pill before his body started to hurt. He couldn't remember what from.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Merle!"

Merle could hear him again. But he couldn't move. He felt like he was under water. Bogged down by some unforeseen force.

"God damnit, Merle."

What's wrong baby brother? He thought to himself. His lips wouldn't move. He didn't know why not.

"You redneck asshole," he heard Daryl's voice crack, "The fuck you do this for?"

Merle felt like he should be laughing. He was laughing in his head. Yeah, it's true. He was some redneck asshole.

"Fuck!" He heard him yelp, "Fuck! _Fuck!_ **_Fuck!_** " 

Merle wanted to furrow his brow because he knew something was wrong. But he couldn't move. 

He couldn't move.

"No- Beth- no- go wait in the truck!"

Shit. Little ray of sunshine didn't need to see him like this. 

Better listen to him, he thought, I know this ain't pretty.

Then he heard the sound of a muffled cry. Typical Beth... didn't listen. Merle felt his pulse slow and he began to drift in an out of consciousness again. 

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Daryl pushed him out of the hospital in a wheelchair. It was damn embarrassing. Beth shrugged at him and told him that was the rules.

She was a nurse now, working in the hospital. She watched him like a hawk his full stay whether she was on duty or not. 

He loved that Ray of Sunshine. 

But he just grumbled at her and plopped down in the chair, never saying the words. Jaxon climbed on his lap happily. His blonde curls were a little too long because he wanted to look like Daryl.

The toddlers blue eyes were piercing and full of life. "How you doing, short stop?"

Jaxon smiled and held up a sticker, "Mama always give me a sticker when I do good at the doctors."  Jaxon peeled the sticker off and pressed it to his chest, "You did good, uncle Merle." 

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

And he did good. At least for a little while.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

This time he met Daryl's baby in the visitation center at the county jail.

It was a girl and they named her Laney. She looked just like the Ray of Sunshine, she was beautiful. Especially when she stuck her bottom lip out and began to cry.

Daryl used to cry like that.

Merle's heart constructed in his chest and then his hand went to his pocket. There was nothing there. No blue pills to save him from the past.

He just held the infant closer to his chest and forced himself to feel warmth versus pain and remember the weight of her instead. 

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

He always knew he would go like his father did.

Fucking liver.

He watched the television screen blankly. This is what he did now. He laid in bed and waited to die. Fucking figures.

Merle wanted to go out with a blaze of glory. A real fucking movie-way. But, no one would want to watch Merle's life story.

He knew he certainly didn't. 

Then he heard their giggles as they pushed through his hospital room door. He grinned as he turned his head to see his niece and nephew coming in with balloons and flowers, "Uncle Merle!"

Merle reached down and plucked Laney up by her armpits and sat her on his lap, "Hey sunshine."

She leaned into him and smiled then handed him the flowers, "Mama said the ones we bought before died so we got you new ones. I picked 'em out."

"Well aren't you something?" He asked, drawling out his Georgia twang. She lifted her shoulders up to her ears and smiled angelically. 

"And I got you this balloon!" Jaxon said as he tied it by the window, "It's from my favorite movie."

Merle looked at the floating car and smiled, "That's a mighty fine balloon, short stop." 

Daryl pulled a seat up next to his bed and leaned back, laying his hands on his stomach and stretched. "Beth been in lately?"

"Nah," Merle said as he twisted a blonde curl around his finger, "Want me to call her in?"

Daryl shook his head and sighed watching the tv. He always came by at least once a day and if he couldn't he let him know. Merle had been in the hospital for over a month with a failing liver and true to his word, he stuck by him. He was getting weaker every day.

They gotta stick together.

The room fell silent as Jaxon pulled out a game system and Laney watched tv. It was comfortable. He wanted to laugh at the irony of it all.

After a while there was a slight knock at the door and Beth walked through staring down at a chart.  She hadn't even noticed her family was in the room until Laney called her name.

When she looked up there was crease on her brow but it lifted when she saw her kids and her husband, "Hey guys."

"Hi mama," Jaxon called from across the room- nose still stuck on the game.

Laney moved from Merle's lap to Beth's arms and rested her head against her shoulder. Beth pressed a hard kiss on the crown of her head, that one gesture telling the adults in the room she wasn't alright.

Daryl stood and peeled his daughter off of Beth and sat her back on the bed, "Let me talk to mommy real quick."

Laney nodded with a smile and went back to Merle's lap without a fuss. Daryl nodded at Merle who nodded back and followed his wife out into the hallway. 

Merle's eyes drifted over the kids in the room and suddenly everything felt too fast. He didn't want to be sitting here. He didn't want the kids to see him like this. He wanted them to remember other things, but really this was the only time he'd truly given them.

He felt his throat start to close as he looked down at the Angel in his lap. She was playing with the blanket in between her fingers as she sucked her thumb in her small mouth.

She was funny and smart. So, so smart. She liked to sing and she liked to run her fingers over his shaved head. She smiled brighter than the sun.

And Jaxon. He was a good kid... No, a great kid. He protected his sister and he was quiet. He liked to read and he helped his grandpa out on the farm. He was full of character, but he was a Dixon.

"Hey Jax," Merle asked, "Come here."

Jaxon put his game on the chair beside him and walked over, bracing his hands on the bedrail, "Yeah?"

"You take care of Laney, okay? You gotta stick together." He asked.

Jaxon furrowed his brow and nodded, "I do."

"I know you do," he said evenly, "But I just wanted to remind you. Just gotta remind each other of stuff sometimes."

Jaxon looked at his uncle for a hard second then reached over and touched his sisters hair, "Okay."

Merle smiled and nodded, "Good."

Jaxon smiled and turned around to go back to his game but before he could Merle stopped him again, "Hey... I just, uh, wanted to remind you I love you."

Jaxon stopped and looked at his uncle, and in that moment he was all Dixon. Merle couldn't help but smile. Jaxon went back to him and put his arms around Merle's neck. He was smart. He knew was what happening.

"I love you too, Uncle Merle." 

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Time goes at a weird pace when you're dying. Fast and slow at the same time. 

Merle's room was no longer bright. They dimmed the lights more times than not and his TV was never on. He didn't have the energy. 

Daryl still came everyday but Laney and Jaxon didn't. Daryl told him that they were expecting another baby but they didn't talk about it much.

It hurt to much and he didn't want to forget. 

There was no pills anymore. No booze to wash it down. That's what got him here. He hated the stuff.

Merle could feel his body start to give up and he knew Beth could see it. One day he woke up to her wiping silent tears from her cheeks as she played with the IV machine. He raised a hand and held hers for a while.

He didn't want her Sunshine to go away.

Daryl didn't talk much. Not that he ever did, but he talked less now. He would help give Merle's bath if he was there and he would force him to drink. Merle asked him to let it go and Daryl said he wouldn't. 

When Daryl came in that day Merle was weaker than he'd ever been. He didn't move to watch him walk over, instead he just waited. 

"Hey," Daryl said.

Merle smiled weakly at him. They sat in silence for a little while and soon Daryl stood up to pace the room. It was hard to watch. It hurt. He wanted to forget.

"Daryl," he croaked. His voice not sounding his own, "Sit."

Daryl whipped his attention to his brother and rushed to his side, "Whats wrong?"

"Just," he took a deep breath, "sit."

Daryl did. Daryl always did what Merle wanted. 

"I.." Merle didn't know where to start. He closed his eyes and thought back to when his mother had told him she was pregnant and how much he hated her for it. Now, though... Now he knew it was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

"I love you, baby brother." He finally settled on. Daryl stood up and looked him in the eyes. His brothers eyes were glassy and threatening to pool at the corners. Merle laughed. 

"What?" Daryl demanded.

"Ain't this the shit," he said, "Crying over ole Merle like he meant something."

Daryl scoffed and rubbed his knuckles against his eyes. Merle was never good with sentiments and right now he wish he was. Daryl looked up towards the ceiling and took in a wavering breath, "I love you too, Merle."

Merle felt his chest tighten. The sweet swell he had missed all these years returning. 

They always did stick together.

"Proud of you. And Beth. And the kids." He started, "Never been more proud to be a Dixon." 

Daryl let out a whimper, not loud enough to hear but Merle caught it. And then he felt Daryl's fingers curl around his own. It was foreign and warm. He must have learned a thing or two about being a Greene.

Merle did his best to squeeze back but it was a flutter at best. 

"Thank you."

Merle looked up at his brother and furrowed his brow in silent question. Daryl shrugged and then Merle knew. 

He knew that he was thankful Merle had said those words. Had finally spoken them to him clear and sober and knowledgeable. He knew that now.

He knew that Daryl Dixon had been his greatest accomplishment in life and if there was one good thing he ever did, it was bring him up.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

And then one day, as Beth held one hand and Daryl held the other it started to not hurt anymore.

It started to feel okay.

He started to remember the good things.

He let go of the rest.

There was no pills this time, no booze to wash it down. 

And he was _okay._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it! It was really fun to write! Let me know what Yall think! Thank you for reading!


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